What am i supposed to do with this?

2010-02-04T18:14:00.001+08:00

Come saturday, i'm gonna become part of the SAF. SIGHS

beer

2009-09-28T08:26:00.002+08:00

Today i woke up. walked straight to the com. switched it on. open internet and i see cao ge fight with justin lo coz he got drunk. On youtube, the most popular video under sports section is a drunk girl getting arrested in viking's opening game. (as we can see, the world is a better place with alcohol)

Bored to death... must find something to do today... ... ... ... ... before wednesday comes and i have to study again! Feel like dying at the thought of it. i think i super weak. think about studying only leg soft...

uber sianz (part II)

2009-09-23T21:25:00.002+08:00

WHY LAST TWO PAPERS TAKE SO LONG TO FINISH!!!!!!!!!!

*in mega state of anguish*

I totally burned out although i thought i wouldn't. And the last paper had to be Southeast Asian history (which is tormenting and extremely tedious to study for).

absolutely hate my current life. i think i'll hate being a student for a long time to come... but i guess it's the first step to carving out a career...

uber sian

2009-09-22T08:26:00.001+08:00

so long already still got two more papers. Sianz half. And then i was scrutinising the a level dates and it's like 6 weeks after prelims! 6! WTH i stressed for nothing. 6 weeks can make all subjects from S to A la. (if u mug really hard)

Going to CC later to mug some math for tml's paper. No plan for history paper 2 yet. But by tml there will be a plan, i'm sure. (not tat it matters since all plans screw up somewhere in the end)

Yesterday watched 'Family Outing' for the whole day again. *bangs head on table*

2009-09-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

Wah! 今天真的玩得太轰感（hong gan)了! 好开心好开心! 把全部的烦恼都玩掉了！

Hope we can go out more often after a levels. WHOOOO

2 papers left

2009-09-19T17:10:00.003+08:00

My slack mode is already officially switched on. Right after hist paper 1 and maths paper 1, I was feeling like super hyped up to like chiong hist paper 2 and maths paper 2, but now my 三分钟热度 ('hot' for 3 minutes) syndrome has gotten the better of me. (that's y i think i damn weak -.-)

Anyway, i'm hit with korean fever too. I'm hooked on the Korean reality tv show 'Family Outing' (yes right in the middle of prelims. owned like a sausage). It's great coz the korean celebrities in it have such great personalities and are freaking funny!

Ok going out to chill out soon. See everyone sometime.

so far so bad

2009-09-15T19:48:00.003+08:00

Prelims is really quite an enjoyable exam experience.

Yesterday we battled through history paper 1 and then lit paper 1 in the afternoon. Hist was bad coz the cold war question was tweaked to make our lives difficult. i thot SBQ was ok, but other people didnt agree. Lit was very interesting. I looked at PC and stunned and died. lol. Someone even fainted during the paper (just proves the jia latness of the papers. rofl).

Today started with econs and then ended with an unpassable maths paper. Econs was alright except for the fact that i was being a stubborn mule and forced my way thru a BOP question i knew i couldn't do justice to. lol i'm convinced any other question would have been better than the BOP question. definitely. Maths was really tough in my opinion! And God i couldn't find point D for about 15 minutes for the vector question. Then i realised i missed out a comma beside point A which obviously explains why i couldn't effing spot point D. (i spent another 10 minutes redoing the question)

4 papers down, 4 more to go.

2009-09-10T20:44:00.002+08:00

feeling very depressed now. and i get extremely frustrated easily.

I wonder if everyone has to work so hard in life or issit just coz of competition that we have to slog our guts out. And what happens to those who work very had but dun get good grades and those who dun care and work nothing. Perhaps our education system (or even society) isn't as meritocratic as it seems! How bout those who dun like to study (like me!) and have other interests?

It's no use coz all of us just end up being stuck under the system of study or die. And then if u dun get good grades people look down on u (truly a pathetic and ugly side of society).

Sighs. I guess not everyone can make their passions part of their career... Even more so in Singapore... A huge pity. Singaporean education... It's competitive and supposed to bring out the best in you, but how come i only feel strangled and restricted by it?

desperation

2009-09-09T12:10:00.003+08:00

i was so sick of studying and so stressed i googled 'How to do well for A levels?'

i'm so depressed at the moment. preparations for prelims are pathetic. i feel as though i'm going to fail everything no matter what i do.

EFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DUN WANT TO DIE STUDYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gah. but press on everyone else... ...

score

2009-09-05T22:55:00.001+08:00

I wanna score As just like how Arenas score jumpshots.

O.o

2009-09-04T14:13:00.002+08:00

Tml's me sister's party and i'm supposed to help in the preparations... Kinda sucks...

Apparently, 21st birthdays are supposed to be very important. I kinda thot it was just another day. (I thot all birthdays are just another day) Ok fine, u can watch R-21 movies when u reach 21 but besides that wat on earth is so important about becoming 21?!?

Kinda bored and lethargic and sick of mugging. (not tat i mugged much) It didn't help that i did shit for GP. This is my 19th year on earth and it sucks big time. I don't know how on earth i can continue crawling around on this earth or wat i'll be like when i'm 21. Maybe i should have went poly or centralised institute then i can have a slower-paced life. (and i can play lf2 or basketball without feeling guilty and shitty about it afterwards...)

Ok fuck i'm complaining on my blog all over again. I'm taking my GREAT life for granted. I should be happy i can even get a proper education. There are people out there who are suffering more shit than me. At least i get my 3 meals a day. (and all the usual fuck)

Damn. I think i'm just unhappy about all the shit i'm in and all the pressure there is. I'm unhappy about life in short. And if there isnt a change i think i'll continue to be unhappy with life.

Thought at the back of my head: What on earth is so worth celebrating about being on earth for 21 years!?

ready

2009-08-19T18:21:00.002+08:00

Yanghan asked me if i'm still blogging on the bus today.

I said i try to.

And then he said even if i did it's only a few sentences.

So that somewhat drove me into doing what i am doing right now.

Two days ago Renee went into one of her 'let's-piss-eugene-off-today' mood and decided to stamp ariel the mermaid onto the class temp-cum-attendance list. Today she did it again on the yearbook money collection list... I gave the wtfzshitzlameztoostrezzizzit look (which is essentially this look -->-_-)

oh wellz. But after taking a closer look at that purple gaylord stamp (which was bloody standing out and making me look gay)... i started to think... 'hm... tat's kinda familiar'...

A few years ago (make it around 6), i fell for a girl who was in my catechism class since i was pri 6. In pri 6 i hardly even noticed she was there (and conclusions formed probably would generally go something like 'yuck girls'). Well one day in the small classroom the very same girl walked in (probably looking plain to everyone else, i dun really know do i?), but for a profound reason i myself have yet to discover, she was like an angel from heaven, a swan-lake princess from a fairy tale, the cutest soft toy ever manufactured. And Christ she looked pretty (like fucking pretty.) Oh so hypocritical me (who had used the staement of hating ij girls to the fucking core as an argument to piss his sister off) fell for ariel (who was from ij. ya ok jacked myself big time. i get it).

Then there was all the wooing (of coz from the bloody thick-skinned me). A guy in the puberty stages of his life can't be taught how to get the girl of his dreams without appearing weird and needy and i think i might have been no exception. Although tat could be attributed to my being weird prior to that. Some people still say i'm weird now... duh their bullshitting! (rite?) Anyway i think there were many occassions i confessed my feelings for her then, and on the very same number of occassions i didnt get the response i wanted. 'Failure is the mother of all success' is a tried-and-tested-and-screwed-up theory which is, nonetheless, still extremely popular today. Success did come to me to some extent though. She might have indicated she liked me and i think she really did. We did talk often and went out for various reasons. Mass, coffee, gory movie, msn, phone, market. I was young two years ago.

All good things come with waiting as well as an end. There were complications (and alot of impatience on my part). I didn't like her passive attitude to the relationship. I think she might have hated my domineering almost jerk-like personality and impatience... i dunno... she never said. It was my decision i guess... 1 year and if she would liked and if fate (or wat we christians call God's will) allowed, we could be together. She said it was a long time. I was sad but wouldn't care 2 shits about wat she said then. I might have cried (inside my heart because i never shed tears on the outside unless i'm immensely angry) for weeks (or months)... Well she didn't make the call after a year... and i didn't care to look back either.

Well there it was. It's been more than a year since the last of it happened. My life definitely dramatically altered according to the many events life throws at everyone in general. It's about 10 weeks to the A levels but i didn't take so much time to make this entry just to prove that i'm bored or stressed or sick of work. It's here because i think anyone who knows me and reads this would have have a better understanding of me. I don't think i'll enjoy seeing people use this as a fresh gossip to tease me about, but somehow, i dun think my frens will know me enough without knowing this part of my life. Perhaps some already knew even to the extent of knowing it better than me.

ARGH

2009-08-10T16:14:00.003+08:00

STRUGGLING WITH SO MANY ESSAYS! (and trying to improve how i write.)

An immensely difficult task... ...

Sunday

2009-08-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

and in a few weeks i die. Prelims like death is sure to sweep over and kill me. not unless i start working hard.

which i will.

JET

2009-07-27T21:26:00.004+08:00

woots! a new song from jet!!! SEXEYYYYYYY!

whew

2009-07-20T17:48:00.003+08:00

Hm. The weekend didn't turn out as terrible as i expected! (but it sure was filled with a lot more of harry potter than i expected.)

Today was hectic but i guess now that i'm sitting here in the comforts of home, it seems to be more fulfilling than it was tiring. Firstly, aloysius was very kind in that he gave me a letter and a well chosen gift for my birthday (which was last week!) Very very kind. Appreciate it a big bunch! On another note, not many more days, i realise, to prelims and then the A levels! No, my future isnt constricted to that set of results, but nonetheless, i'll do well just to affirm my abilities. And this is weird, but, i was just emailed a whole set of how i should study and stuff like tat from my godmother! HAHA! (i thot she sounded a tad more uptight than me about my own exams) Well, i think i still appreciate it too.

working weekend

2009-07-17T22:37:00.002+08:00

This one really is! It absolutely sucks to be doing up my Personal Qualities at 1045 pm when there're dota games to be played, sleep debts to be paid back, and lots of admin to be settled. And "excel" sucks byond the fucking core. Worst microsoft office program around.

No... This isn't the way my life should be turning out... Being pressured by A levels, going to school and handling never-ending loads of admin, failing all my exams and having to occasionally (or perhaps constantly) take shit from others just coz u did the right thing. (well at least there still are many people who make ur school experience pretty good.) Sometimes, just sometimes, I can only take in a deep breath and give the aw-fuck-it-all look.

At home, shit happens too. Sometimes you just want to give the aw-fuck-it-all look too, but you know it won't make no fucking diff. You would think hell's the place where there's no escape. Wrong. My home's the place where there's no escape.

If only people just spared a thought. The world would be a better place... but no one seems to be sparing anything other than the most caustic and the most malicious. No one wants to spare the people they hate.

and so was it for Christ, nailed to the cross because no one wanted to spare him.

wah sia

2009-07-15T18:44:00.002+08:00

woah it's been sometime since i last blogged! (and i'm blogging now only coz i'm extremely tired at the moment...)

Last week was the week to talk about, what with exams and my brithday. (rofl. PHAIL econs day more like.) and some queer events took place that didn't turn out so queer after some investigation. all of life's roads end with a dead-end, every rope ends with a knot. (is this true???? seems like it at the moment)

我们无论做什么，最终还是死路一条

Pfffft. on top of that, i'm gonna PHAIL lots of subjects and that kind of sucks. (it helps that i'm used to PHailing though)

Hmmm. This is what being a Singaporean really means! Taking ur exams and getting As for them and then u apparently get rewarded for that... A very flawed way of life in my opinion, but the only way of life around here. Not tat anyone's complaining... everyone seems to be very happy about this slog-and-die scheme. *shrugs*

effed

2009-06-25T15:27:00.003+08:00

It's been a pissing week

Monday started off with an extremely dreaded SEA hist tutorial. 12 am to 3 am was spent rushing out essay outlines. 3 am - 7 am was spent dying on bed. 7 - 8 was spent packing and swallowing down breakfast. 8 - 9 was spent dying on the bus. Tat pretty much summed monday!

Tuesday was spent doing maths when i realised i could actually pon GP coz there was a letter from army asking me to go for checkup. Then after tat i realised exams had been shifted along with the golden opportunity to escape the gp paper. EpicPhail.com

Yesterday i watched transformers! YAY!

Today i did more maths.

Looking back. Only monday sucks. But i dunno. This week seems sucky coz it's the last week of holidays. And we all wonder why our lives are so effed up.

There seems to be a few "unique" feelings in my life:
1) fucked when i have to study
2) fucked when i dun study and get pwned by the exams
3) fucked when i lose my 5th dota game in a row
And that's only 3 ways u can feel fucked. Many more actually. (feel free to add on other ways to get fucked on the tagboard. these 3 need company.)

2 weeks left

2009-06-14T20:34:00.001+08:00

OH MY! The pressure is on now. 2 weeks left to CT2 and yet still so much to study. Haha.
Nah. No pressure.

full day clap clap full day clap clap

2009-05-25T19:00:00.002+08:00

Yes Mr Chan, if by some weird chance you read this, do grant us poor victorians our full day
*cheeky grin*

Ah well, i'm back in front of this modern day flat screen after some weeks of no-blogging. VJ soccer won! And Alex, the only soccer guy who actually wants to listen to my lame jokes, walked away with scoring the most goals in the tournament. This only proves that my lame jokes can do u nothing but good. (all you idiots reading this saw the self praise coming rite?)

Where to continue... ...? Hm. I remember my finals (or at least after the finals) All the supporters had left, VJ and RIJC alike, even all my teammates (haha. gone to swensons for celebrations.) Gosh, silver medal still on my chest, fever still killing me, i just peered into the dark green pitch and thought how poignant that experience was. 1+ years is not enough for such a great game, team, everything. i dunno. it was sad, but i don't shed tears easily. If not i would have cried.

It's one of those times when u know u love something, but still... u turn it down... for a reason u supposed was valid.

2009-05-13T21:18:00.001+08:00

Yet another LJJ video. This one's closer to my heart. =D

2009-05-12T21:19:00.001+08:00

New Lin Jun Jie video.

pft

2009-05-11T17:33:00.003+08:00

I'm finally blogging! (because there's an essay sitting in front of me and tat means it's an opportunity to procrsatinate rite? ya rite. dumb comment.)

It's been three days of swimming swimming and more swimming. (and lots of facebooking too.) And after swimming i always end up eating 'love sparks' ice cream coz i'm hungry. You would think 'love sparks' ice cream will get you some warm feeling of love rite? Well wrong. I only got fat eating it. (bloody stupid)

Anyway tml we have an important match but that doesnt seem all so important now... somehow...

Both blissful and cruel. Perhaps less blissful now,

but still cruel.

:) =

2009-05-02T08:37:00.002+08:00

See the title? Yea, that's what some friends have been telling me. But i don't really get why...

Yesterday, was what the jelly people would call, a jellytastic day. We FINALLY got to having a meal with our juniors! Which is certainly really cool cause everyone just got to know everyone better and that's how life should be isn't it? Get to know more people, forge more friendships, strengthen past ties. It really was a simple pizza hut meal but no it really wasn't so simple. The bunch of monkey juniors sure know how to prank... Anyways I'm still waiting for the pictures which will be undoubtedly jellytastic too seeing mu yao took the majority of them.

Ah wells, was supposed to end up playing lan with lionel + reuben + gang, but they called me too late and my bro's frens were playing mahjong in-da-house so there goes my L4D opportunity. Alas my fate was watching Jennifer Love Hewitt on Ghost Whisperer. Then somehow i had a headache, was feeling drained, so guess what, i died on bed just like any other school day at 11.00 with the noise of shuffling mahjong tiles, thoughts of hail Marys, her, hockey and studies swirling in my head. I woke up this morning thinking they were right, weren't they? I swear I should be studying but another part of me is severely sick with longing.

Well that's life really... :) =

Dear and most respected one

2009-04-27T22:09:00.004+08:00

i'm blogging now, after the last game of the 1st group stage and after reading one of my precious teammate's blogs. Haha. we're all so very emo for various reasons (or are they...?)

Today, sch started off with an assembly filled with the announcements of victors and i couldn't help but feel pressured. Everyone's winning, making it seem obligatory for us to do the same... On my part, to my friends in and outside the pitch, i can only hope to do my best and leave the rest to my most beloved friend up there. Not to mention the stress of my academics. Behind my head i keep pondering how those 'A's are going to come. Yes, everything seems so far away and just like dear Scott loves to say, it seems every effort we make to go forward only causes us to be 'borne ceaselessly into the past'.

So dear and most respected one, we may grope blindly in the dark but really light is right within our hearts.

2009-04-17T23:02:00.002+08:00

today my emotions and feelings flew all over the place. let's see... i was first tired, then alert, annoyed, then impressed and then thankful, then relaxed, then focused and serious, then nervous, then bored, then frustrated, then a little depressed and then angry and then normal.
but as usual, like aloy says, whenever i come here to post something, i'm simply emo. tat's wat blogs are essentially for... really.

how soon they go, one by one!
and i am old, and will be gone

2009-04-05T22:02:00.000+08:00

i will say the rosary.

his will

2009-04-01T21:50:00.003+08:00

My grades
GP: C
Lit: C
Hist: E
Econs: S
Maths: E

Mmm. A small improvement. Achieved what I wanted? Not really. But still glad. Much to work on though.

What I really want to say in this post is this:

To me and to everyone else... For the times we see that beautiful girl and bury ourselves in the pitiful truth.

Time makes men fools

fail

2009-03-30T21:01:00.002+08:00

i laughed myself sick in front of the mirror in the bath today. failed so badly in econs that i dunno wat else to say. oh wells, sometimes we just need to laugh. laugh things away

sunday

2009-03-29T19:24:00.003+08:00

Today I did lots of stuff! (except homework.)

First, I woke up and practised piano for nearly 1 hour i think... felt like 1 hour. Then it was off to swimming with me bro and his friends. Haha cool stuff. We tried swimming the entire breadth of the pool with only one breath of air (which i succeeded on my second try =D). Hmm, then we went to KFC which kinda wasted all the effort we put into keeping fit during swimming. Kinda sad. But no, not really sad. We were kinda loitering about j8 when i saw a hockey girl! But i didn't know her name (which sucked... i only recognised her face but i realised i never really asked what was her name. then again, i dun think she knows my name either.) Well i said 'Hi' anyway. And well at least i know she lives at yio chu kang. Rofl. I'll try to know her name soon enough! Then i managed to stroll home in time to watch korean drama. Today's episode brought back memories and it was thought-provoking. It's sad, to have to lie to set someone free. I slept and practised more piano. Then i went for dinner with my family. A sumptuous meal, since my parents are going abroad tml, they thought it was only fit to give us a nice meal.

Well, what i really want to say is that i don't feel like doing any work today. Sometimes we work and we work and we work without really looking at where we're going. Or we tire ourselves out and die somewhere along the way.

hard to be pleased...

2009-03-24T22:13:00.002+08:00

yes. i think i'm hard to be pleased. today's match ended with me being only slightly satisfied. was it an unsound performance? "too relaxed". was i too complacent? hmm. dun think so. but i wished i wasnt "too relaxed". maybe it was just coz i wanted to keep my composure... ... certainly hope it was tat.

after so many years, i finally learnt wat's patience. tml, i'll learn all about URGENCY.

March 22

2009-03-22T21:59:00.002+08:00

If I ever look back at this post, let me be reminded that I've never been so ashamed of my faith than on this day.

It's a day before school reopens. Down and under. (for some reason...)

clair de lune

2009-03-21T18:18:00.003+08:00

Saturday evening, and my piano teacher had to message me to read up on debussy on the internet so that i can write something for my programme notes... ... (what a way to waste a nice saturday evening rite?)

So i go to wiki (as usual) and dump in his name and start reading... ok... he was born in march... whatever... blah blah blah. Then i come to the bottom of the page and was clicking random songs to listen to and then WAH... Clair de lune. Magic

Apparently, this was used in Disney's:
-Fantasia
-Pinnocchio
-Beauty and the Beast(La bella y la bestia)
-Aladin
And:
-TWILIGHT

YES! THAT WIGGLY SQUIRMY VAMPIRE MOVIE! WAT THE ****! Bless Debussy, but i somehow feel his masterpiece shouldn't be casually used in a vampire movie... but oh wells... (bet millions of people will cut my throat for saying that)

Anyways, hope everyone will listen to it. Leaving the video here. 5 minutes of your time in exchange for some magic.

simple

2009-03-16T23:13:00.002+08:00

There's gonna be a friendly tml. And i'm having the pre-match jitters as usual. Shall try to listen to the coach and keep things simple.

On another note, Liverpool kinda trashed Man Untd. I'm neutral when it comes to this kinda football fan club thingy. But it's remarkable to be 1 - 0 down and fight all the way back to a 1 - 4 victory. Good stuff ey? Anyways, just making a short post really. Cant' really sleep now. Even after all the dota and L4D. Been playing a little bit too much of L4D. Haha.

And basketball... Haha i wanna thank my bro for teaching me how to chop at the bloody perimeters. Like my bro says, "It's not magic, it's just technique." (strong urge to say 'bullshit', but well, he's making the shots and not me. so, he's got to be right...) I'm hoping to be better on the finishing though. Maybe i'll join basketball when i'm in uni. hmm. food for thought

after CTs...

2009-03-14T17:03:00.004+08:00

HEAVY BURDEN OFF MY SHOULDERS. NEED I SAY MORE?

Anyways, my piano teacher called to tell me my exam results last night.

117/150... missed merit by 3 pathetic marks. I'm supposed to feel satisfied, but i dunno why i'm not. maybe becoz i actually hoped for a merit. haiz... anyways 117 happens to be my best score in all my piano exams... so i should be feeling DELIGHTED... DELIGHTED!!! DELIGHTED!!!

Gah it's not working. I still feel disappointed after telling myself that. must have been the eff-ing aural and sight reading grades that screwed me up... CURSE IT.

Oh and there was VOG. it was great and cool that lots of people in class turned up! kinda touching because it shows that my classmates are actually starting to... errrm... be a class. (damn tat sounds lame... but i dunno how else to put it) I think we may have been trashed in captain's ball but who cares. as long as everyone sweats it out and play some team ball, i dun see the pity or sorrow in losing. :D

one day before ct week...

2009-03-08T19:30:00.003+08:00

and I went to play Bball plus do the cooking... Am i gonna get 4Ds for my CTs? I dunno. At the rate I'm going... no. Time to step it up i guess. Well on the bright side, i feel more confident for VOG coz i played with pros in bishan active. One of the girls in the other team actually towered over me :S

Oh wells.

Message to myself: TAKE IT UP A NOTCH DUDE! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Fate or God. I question. Let it be God.

hmm. will we?

2009-03-05T21:48:00.003+08:00

it's been a dog week (as i would put it) because i've been dogging it out everyday. it's like sch, put in some study during breaks and lunchtime and then train HARD. Well at least most of us are training hard, but it's frustrating that some others aren't. Times like these remind me of last year, when a single spot in the team had to be fought for... it's depressing sometimes to learn that this year the spots are simply being given out. you can say i'm feeling bitter, but i still keep my stand: alot of us sweat blood every training to achieve something in the tournament, how can we allow it to go to waste.

haix.

looking back, i crumbled once today too. something inside told me to chase harder, put more pressure and fauzan was also reminding me to chase the ball... but i didn't. feeling kinda disappointed with myself... looking back.

well all these just seems to be a repeat of the past for me. the times when i was in choir. perhaps it was so long ago that i can't even remember why i was so disillusioned... a fellow chorister had said he didn't care if we got gold with honours or COP (certificate of participation) for SYF. for him it seemed a casual remark, but for me it was devastating... a fellow 'brother' simply just let everyone else's dream go into nothing. nothing any of us could do when everything seemed so down. why? becoz someone simply didn't care. maybe it's just me being too enthusiastic, or naive to want to achieve anything in any cca. after all not everyone have the same goals in life or in their stay in sec school or, as a matter of fact, in jc.

it's just sad, and although we got gold with honours in the end, i told myself that my choir journey was over. i had failed to reignite a passion in someone who once went to prague and won an international competition with me... failed even more as a person in authority, becoz i 'graduated' from choir leaving little or no passion in my juniors for singing as a group of brothers.

suren said we can make it to the finals, and i believe him. coz everything he says seems to be true to me and i respect him immensely. let him be right one more time or if possible, many more times...

2009-03-04T22:16:00.001+08:00

my sister said she heard her aural piece given to her on youtube. it was by debussy. but she said it was by li yundi. goodluckggnubcakes.com

for fuck's sake

2009-03-03T22:31:00.002+08:00

for fuck's sake. get a fucking life.
turning, turning but the end is just another tragedy.
becoz u revolve around the same fucking spot.

u fucking whirlwinds, u pull everyone into ur mess.
just go fuck urselves. F-U-C-K FUCK urselves.

haix

2009-02-22T22:13:00.002+08:00

the events these few days fluctuated so vigourously from frsutrating to crazy to fun to wacky that i write this entry in a state of slight confusion.
well, i'm glad i resolved everything finally... or rather, some people thankfully helped me to resolve all the outstanding issues i had. everytime i wanna say 'thank you', i wonder if these wonderful people see it. nonetheless i'm grateful. and hey, repects to u people man. i dunno if i've been that kind of person to others though. hope i can be...

oil-less

2009-02-04T21:26:00.003+08:00

It's been a few days since things happened and I'm just learning to cope with issues.

Life now??

It's like a rusty machine - tough to operate and drearily slow. Kind of like how prisoners drag chains attached to large heavy metal balls, kind of like how I drag my life.

Today, sch went on as usual somewhat but after sch I had a so-called heart to heart talk with my CT and she set me thinking about my future and stuff. After a little brooding and fooling around with the hockey peeps after the talk, I think I want to explore what's dreaming BIG all about. It's funny how I thought I was so full of self confidence when I never even thought I'll ever qualify for a scholarship. Perhaps it's time to aim for one. (Maybe it seems hard to work towards proper good grades atm, but in due time, I promise myself to do it)

The least I can do is to set out some parameters and the only reason why I'm doing it on my blog is because everyone (myself included) can see it. It's like what my ex-form teacher said - first you make a promise to yourself, then you say that promise out, and then you make a promise to others too and finally you write that promise down. It makes sense. It's like a promise you HAVE to fulfil now that you've got it down black and white and that you've got others involved.

My promise to myself for this entry is to work towards improving greatly in my common tests.

Now I've said it, so I guess I'll have to do it. =)

oh god

2009-02-02T19:10:00.002+08:00

Life sucks. There's nothing more to be said (I told myself I'll never ever say this at one point of time. Now I say it.)

There's so little identity in me now. How to forgive... How? How to turn back time? How?

:)

2009-01-25T01:54:00.002+08:00

Yesterday's a special day. (since it's like 2 am now?) It's funny how we can only go up, up and up again when we fall down hard and I felt I fell down hard a day before yesterday. It's the kind of day when you fall down scrape your knees and get strampled over on the face by other people. Yea. That pretty much sums up how I ended up flinging my stick 10 yards away when I tried to hit a ball to safety in a friendly. And the worst part - I had to endure like 5 seconds of laughter mixed with cold embarrassment and humiliation. Well I'm very grateful that the girls who were watching continued to encourage me through it all. I appreciate it a lot. (Though it's unlikely that any of you are going to read this, I still don't mind saying it) Once again, thank you. At least I learnt a crucial lesson that match - that encouragement makes everyone feel better no matter how small or casual it is. Shouting, reprimanding, scolding and yelling, on the other hand, only breaks a person and will make anyone play from bad to worst. (NOTE: not bad to worse, but bad to worst. That's like 1 step to hell instead of 2 if you get what I mean)

I want to thank my Bro too for playing bball with me last morning. It made me feel so much less emo.

I asked, 'How am I ever going to feel better about playing like shit...?'
You said, 'You don't try to feel better, you just play better the next match.'

I said, 'Thanks for the encouragement.'
You said, ':D'

Thank you. Both of you.

So u found my blog ey?

2009-01-21T21:38:00.002+08:00

To Fauzan, Vikash and Manoj if you busybodies ever read this...
...
....
.....
......
.......

HI!!!!!! YOOOOOOO! WASSSSSUP! SEX!

And now, back to everyone else who has the free time and energy to scrutinise my emo ramblings.

Life seems to have taken a turn for the better because I passed my econs R-paper. YESSSSSSSSSSS! But life on the pitch hasn't been as ideal. Injuries, screwed up defending, confusion cramped altogether to form a very disillusioned eugene. I guess I can only hope things get better with time. On another note (as in literally note), piano exams are coming and I'm going to have to practise like BALLZ and tat's gonna suck. Wat sucks more is I won't be able to participate in cross country and win another bottle of shampoo... So it's live and let live for X-country.

Well, overall, I still want more out of my life. WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS THINGS I WANT BUT DON'T GET. Or maybe it has always been the same thing I wanted which I never got. Maybe.

What's the use?

2008-07-03T19:43:00.003+08:00

What's the use of talking, when no one truly hears u...?
What's the use of walking, when the winding roads grow ever longer...?
What's the use of looking at a distant gem...?

Wanted is a great movie

2008-06-26T19:42:00.002+08:00

Yes. If there's only going to be one movie u'll watch this year. THIS IS IT! The action, storyline and cast are perfect. And hell yes it makes me want to curve some bullets. The excessive use of 'fuck' only serves to enhance the style of the movie (something few would agree with me on, but this is my blog. so.... errrrm... my opinion is wat REALLY matters).

And OH SHIT Jolie is still as hot as ever. Like I'm so fucking serious (i decided to walk into tat movie only becoz of her! No disappointment.)

AWESOME everything. Worth every cent of my $6 (since i watched in cathay with lionel and reuben who happen to be awesome company too.)

so... wat do we have here...

2008-06-23T20:21:00.002+08:00

ok cool. Today I took my first exam in junior college. It was pretty cool seeing how people screwed up by writing 3 essays instead of 4 due to lack of time and stuff. (then again i shouldn't be laughing at them...)

Well I'm glad the exam atmosphere wasn't tense. I would describe it as relaxed... maybe coz I was basically carrying a heck-care-the-grade-just-whack attitude. Tomorrow's GP and econs. Waiting to see how many subjects I can smoke my way through without studying...

Today the clouds were strangely beautiful. Maybe they always are... if only I bothered to look properly at them.

O.o

2008-06-20T16:30:00.002+08:00

I don't know why this took me so long to realise but.........

I'm gonna fail mid-years.

To assure myself that i'm not going to become a garbage collector in the future just coz of mid-years, i'm going to share lionel's wonderful J1 promotion plan with everyone. (cheers lionel!)

Mid-years: 20%
Final year: 80%

5/20 + 40/80 = 45/100

E grade means pass!

Which means we only need to get 5% out of the 20% for mid-years! Then aim to pass the final year exams aaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnndddddd whooo we promote.

Ok... tat sucked. I can't believe i'm reduced to aiming to promote to J2. Oh well, i guess it's too late to study anyway. Soooooooooooo as Mojo Aloysius Ho once said (and as a matter-of-fact is still saying), "Just whack la".

sianz

2008-06-17T10:37:00.002+08:00

hockey trainings are cancelled. like wth. ok training really isn't anywhere near heaven but it beats sitting on a table staring into space and trying to study. i even dreamt that the mid years would start today and i remembered going into the exam hall and putting my head on the table to sleep... (an accurate depiction of what i may do during mid years actually.)

i... hate... studying... (though i think i've never really studied... properly)

It's time

2008-06-10T20:06:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's happening but I think whatever comes, comes. I've been scrutinising all my posts and thinking over and over again about the whole holiday. It's true, I've FALLEN too far, too long.

Maybe it was just me who didn't want to move on...
Just letting time pass on.
Forgotten that my life isn't mine alone.
Yea, it was never really mine alone.

omg can i just die now?

2008-06-09T22:55:00.003+08:00

this is fucking screwed shit...

I dunno man... i've tried everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Yes spell it out. EVERYTHING aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddd i can't fucking sleep. i lie down and OH FUCK it had to be you! Enough of all this shit. Damn sian already. I dun want to study, i dun want to play the piano, i dun want to play hockey, i dun want to sing, i've deleted my warcraft. Oh for FUCK. (CAN MY LIFE BE MORE SCREWED? NO WARCRAFT? WAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? I should have pressed "cancel" when they asked if i REALLY wanted to delete it!)

............
............
............
............

Screw.......

............
............
............
............

Fuck........

............
............
............
............

HEY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! I'm only ranting here coz i can't SLEEP. I'M TIRED AND I CAN'T SLEEP. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK MAN! (i'm sure i'll visit my blog tomorrow and realise this post wasnt necessary and i'll delete it... i think.)

fix me

2008-06-05T20:44:00.004+08:00

when I try my best but I dun succeed...
when I get what I want but not what I need...
when I feel so tired but I can't sleep...
stuck in reverse...

and the tears come streaming down my face
when I lose something I can't replace
when I love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse...?

Mid Year Exams

2008-06-04T11:02:00.003+08:00

ok everyone. not trying to intimidate myself or any readers but... why dun u guys take a look at this.

General Paper
Topics: Anything under the sun.
Essay + Comprehension = dead =.=

Literature
1 question on Wilfred Owen. Themes of "pity of war", "Individual vs Society" and "Disillusionment/Doubt" will be tested. All in...
1 hour!!!! $#%$#!@#

1 question on Great Expectations Vol. 1. All in...
1 hour!!!! $#%$#!@#

1 Practical Criticism on an unseen poem. All in... (anyone bother to hazard a guess?)
WELL DONE! FUCKING 1 HOUR! THANKS FOR THE TIME!
(die =.=)

History
2 questions on Cold War

2 questions on SEA nationalism

2 hours for 4 essays.
1 intro, 5 body, 1 conclusion per essay.
7 paragraphs per essay.
28 paragraphs in 2 hours.
28 paragraphs in 120 minutes.

In conclusion, less than 4 minutes per paragraph. (dead =.=)

Economics
(i know nothing bout econs. i've been sleeping or doing my own work or exploring dreamland during lectures. will u be surprised if i said i dunno wat's going to be tested??????????????? well too bad i know what's going to be tested moron. THANKS for looking down on me.)

CPE, D&S, Elasticity, Applications of D&S, Government Intervention and Market Failure, CBA
(still die =.=)

Mathematics
To summarise everything... ... ... 18 chapters. Welcome to hell and enjoy your stay.
(gg =.=)

The best part of it all was that I actually thought that I had time to emo! Wow! Okay! Well done! Good job! Keep it up! But no worries. I'll get 4 As. No kick really... And no I'm not living in self denial. (actually i am, but tat's besides the point.)

2008-06-03T20:24:00.004+08:00

I'm so screwed... Every path leads to the wrong place because it's me walking.

Don't know if I'm lost because she's there, or because she's not... ... Or maybe... both.

2008-06-01T16:30:00.002+08:00

Today came and went. Only 8 dry hours are cruelly left to pass. Unnoticed.

2008-05-31T22:46:00.002+08:00

Cheer up emo people.

=)

2008-05-26T23:48:00.003+08:00

SONG! Today I'm happy.

The day started off in worries. SERIOUS worries. It's the first day of SLV see. But everything went well! And the kids weren't that hard to teach.

Lunch followed at J8 with my sister. She borrowed 6 books. I hate reading, but i think my lousy lit essay results are pressuring me to read more. I guess Agatha Christie won't be too boring rite?

Then i came back and DOTA-ed! Kor hit the nail on the head again! When u're emo, play something with lots of vigour. It makes u NUMB but HAPPY! Like omg DAMN song. Even though i lost my last dota game, i felt life surge back into me.

The world is good. I'm so at peace with everything now. I feel like me again. Just for today, i returned to being an avid gamer, computer addict, piano banger instead of hockey newbie, annoying CT rep, emo gene gene, supposedly conscientious student.

---

2008-05-25T19:18:00.002+08:00

Too much went through my mind since the last post. (Maybe so much that I don't know what to think anymore.) The load is SO heavy and it only gets HEAVIER. What did I do WRONG?

It's pathetic that I have words that I have to leave unspoken. Thoughts that I have to leave unwritten. I still feel your chains and I'm growing to HATE it.

back from m'sia

2008-05-18T22:05:00.004+08:00

i think the trip was actually necessary. so many things happened before it.

VJ lost the A div hockey semis. How fucking big a blow is that to them man? Like HOW FUCKING BIG? All i could do was to stand there and gaze blankly at them after the match. I hated the fact that i couldn't even console them effectively. I had no share in their sufferings on the pitch. I wasn't the one facing our enemies, making that tackle, the hit, the pass, the save. What could i do to make them feel better? I could only stand outside and fucking watch them die inside. I love, admire and respect the team and i feel they didn't deserve to lose, but i guess what i feel never really mattered. Their fate is sealed now. "5 minutes ago, you were inside playing against RJC... but NOW, it's over." Sad. Sad that i can't make a difference. Fuck the fitness, Fuck all the long distance runs, Fuck the drills if i can't make the trainings improve my skill..., my GAME.

The work and the disappointment. Starting to ponder more and more about that simple statement... "You don't have to do everything yourself." My answer shall be similarly simple... "I do have to. This is my life, my test, my fight."

Give me your most piercing gaze so that i can return you my most piercing gaze

fuck

2008-05-15T20:37:00.003+08:00

No better word to describe all the dota games. I know i damn kao pei la. But if i dun say anything, who's gonna fucking say anything? If u lousy, of coz i say la. I want u to improve rite? If not y i give a fuck.

Sianz. I damn emo when i lose dota la. Becoz i know i got damn fucking many chances to kill/win. Yet we never. But no one sees the waste. Everyone just say it's only a game, so dun kao pei. Screw it sia. Y dun they understand? If u wanna play then play ur best la. fuck.

Vladimir Horowitz

2008-05-08T19:36:00.001+08:00

A piece of music presented with the wisdom and musicality of age.

Awesome.

FINISH!

2008-04-28T23:17:00.001+08:00

I just HAVE to pen down how satisfied I feel right now because I finished my work.

And I want to tell myself that 'EVERYTHING WILL GO WELL'

Not just another day

2008-04-24T19:55:00.002+08:00

Today started off terribly. NAPFA test was boring... lessons were even more boring... and finally it ALL ended. And i positively rushed to the library where yiling and bryan were! A rush of life and happiness just mysteriously emerged when i saw their happy smiley faces.

We talked all the way to Novena and did wat we went there to do first. Then we went to Macs to eat. (i couldnt resist buying fries coz Macs fries is nice.) And we TALKED EVEN MORE! I just kept wondering thruout the whole thing. 'WHY ON EARTH DO I HAVE SUCH AMAZING OG MATES AND OGLs?!?!?!??!?!?' I was just happy. And could feel nothing but happy. I dunno if bryan or yiling could tell, but seriously, i was feeling happy for the first time in weeks! I could be spastic again for tat happy few hours, could be the 100% smiley person, the eugene who could talk retardedly about anything and just be stupid. And i'm positive i forgot about how econs tutorial sucked today coz people were making disrespectful comments and were basically insensitive. (it's okay to suan me once or twice, but five, six, seven times and it's fucking not funny anymore. u think it's a joke, but i seriously think u people were the fucking jokes. and please DUN fucking think i'm joking here.) I just can't emphasise or repeat how joyful i felt today. It's like being recharged again. Like being reminded of how nice i found vjc in the first place.

I'm just glad it wasn't just another day... Another day against the cruel world.

siao liao

2008-04-21T22:43:00.002+08:00

i'm so in love with the song on my blog that i visit everyday just to listen to it.

anyway school's a bitch again. i dun want to make a big fuss, but seriously... if u can't tell 5 from 15, shut the fucking hell up. No offence really. but i get pissed when i can't complete my admin properly and when people keep asking irrelevant and selfish questions or if u keep telling me i screwed up something. (crap i sure get pissed at lots of stuff.) My GOD... IS IT BECAUSE THIS IS THE ARTS FACULTY?!?!?!?

There's still no reply from the children's home too. I'm extremely grateful that rachel ong gave me another contact to work with. Can't thank her enough. Like HONESTLY it's damn nice that someone even bothers about the SLV. Remarkable. Sometimes i think it's my fault everyone's not interested because i didn't really discuss what they wanted. but even if i did, i'll be getting uncontructive, non-feasible stuff. Not every fucking decision can be made just coz u want it to be made. (it's like no wonder i'm so vulgar rite? like WHO WON'T BE IF THEY HAVE TO PRESS THEIR BALLS TO TOLERATE IDIOTS EVERYDAY) However, there have been thought-provoking incidents too. Some people in class DO recognise non-feasible stuff. And I'm impressed and respect them for voicing their thoughts out. Once again remarkable.

I think it's only right that people read and discover what i'm unhappy about. It's my way of being accountable for my temperament.

OMG! SO CLEVER

2008-04-19T21:56:00.002+08:00

Watched 'awake' with xurong and yanghan today! Yanghan and i agreed to blog about the OMG-TAT-IS-OMFG-CLEVER movie. Actually i'll rather talk more about how we responded to the bloody movie in the first place. Basically we groaned loudly and almost shamelessly when we saw the surgery take place. It was 'SICK'. Yanghan actually used a straw to cover his eyes while i stared determinedly at my popcorn. Xurong being the stoner stared into the screen and watched the whole darn operation ('is he stupid????' kept reverberating in my head. Why would anyone want to stare into a mutilated, cut-up, bleeding body which still has a heart pumping in it????)

Anyways we were all in agreement that the plot was extremely clever until Xurong had to point out a flaw in the movie. (HE JUST HAD TO! HE JUST HAD TO CONVINCE US TAT WE WASTED OUR $10!) I sound vague but tt's coz i dun want to be a spoiler. =)

woots

2008-04-18T19:48:00.003+08:00

I've put up a song on my blog. (it doesn't auto play. so people who dun want to listen to it dun have to go thru the trouble of pressing 'stop'...)

I'm happy today becoz i helped yiling carry tables and chairs! (I cant believe it. She's president of PAWS! I thot she was just some member!) I still owe her and nafisah swensons O.o (am i screwed?) Sometimes, I just want to go back. Go back to ivanhoe ixodus. (was orientation just a dream?) Tat's y i dun blame the second intakers... they must have loved their orientation and everything. How is it that there just isn't any other people in the sch who care for u too and ask simple questions like 'how's J1 life'?

Terribly missing the old days. Looking forward to and wanting badly to plan an OG outing for me and for everyone. =)

I'll do it.

2008-04-15T19:03:00.005+08:00

I'll do it even if it means i'll have to harden my heart into stone.
I'll do it even if i sacrifice looking into ur eyes.
I'll do it even if my heart pumps nothing more than cold blood.
I'll do it even if my cursed mind turns merciless.
I'll do it even if it darkens the mask on my face.
I'll do it if u'll hate me for it.
I'll do it because your life I have to leave untouched, unmarked.
You'll do nothing...
Nothing to my life you refused to leave unscarred.

it can get no worse,
absolutely no worse,
when you can't
even
say
'i'm sorry'.

cmon cmon!!!!!!!

2008-04-14T21:46:00.004+08:00

The SLV's giving me a lot of problems. I can only pray that the guy over there will work with me... ... (i didn't tell him i was catholic... maybe if i did he would be more willing to give A13 a chance.)

Gah... starting to feel the strains of leadership again. What's worse is that i'm afraid i cannot communicate what i want clearly enough to others. Actually... what bullshit am i talking about... ... I SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID! FOR NUTS WHAT WAS I THINKING! RAWR! LOK-TAR OGAR!

I know what i'm doing. I know what i'm doing. I know what i'm doing. (As much as i want to lead others, i hope others would lead me...) I can't believe i'm actually saying wat my teacher once said to me... 'I DUN WANT THE PROBLEM. I WANT THE SOLUTION.' Yes, the very statement that made me competent.

caught between...

2008-04-13T01:01:00.002+08:00

(Can't i just stop talking bout stupid events...? actually no, so just get on with it... people are here to see u moan about ur pile of shit so wtf are u waiting for?)

I feel sucky because of you. (i think i'm done. do i need to say more?)